Malini version 4.0

I just got back from a vipassana sit. This will be my fourth time sitting completely at both times unease and ease with my aloneness for ten days, breathing in, breathing out, observing all of my sensations, my thoughts, arising, passing. Meditation for ten days, eight+ hours a day, with two meals, and in complete silence, ah, who does this! People like me. And maybe even you.

The men and women attending are always segregated, and on Day 0 we are asked to accept the five precepts of the dhamma including Noble Silence for ten days and they are:

Abstain from telling lies
Abstain from stealing from others
Abstain from killing living beings
Abstain from sexual misconduct
Abstain from taking any intoxicants

This is what is known as practicing Sila according to what the Buddha practiced in his sanghas. For old students like me (old student just refers to a vipassana meditator that has already sat a course), there are two more precepts I have to follow and they are

Abstain from using high luxurious beds
Abstain from eating after noon

Basically, we are asked to behave as nuns and monks for ten days and to maintain noble silence and abstain from any contact with others or the outside world. It is really important that these are followed for the meditator so as to enable her to really dig deep in her meditation and get the maximum benefit of such a course. We are also asked to humbly be taught how to meditate and to seek refuge in the Dhamma (truth, love, kindness, the way) for ten days. It is as non-religious and as non sectarian as anything can get.

The morning gong rings at 4am every morning, (I rang this gong). We have a half hour to do whatever we need to do to wake up and by 430am we have to start our meditation. We do this until 630am and the gong is rung for breakfast, which includes wholesome "Indian vegetarian" (meaning, no eggs not necessarily Indian food), vegan, and raw options. We have an hour to rest and relax and at 750am the gong is rung for the first group one hour meditation at 8am in the dhamma hall. From 9am- 11am we are required to meditate either in the hall or in our individual meditation cells or rooms. The gong is rung 11am for lunch which includes always delicious cooked vegetarian dishes, fruits, and sometimes dessert. The food, at every center I have been, has always been excellent. Food is a very integral part of our mental and physical health. I know this to be true. Food is medicine, and medicine is food. But I will save this for another blog. We then have an hour between 12pm and 1pm to interview with the assistant teacher at the course with any questions we may have with our meditation progress. There is also a course manager assigned to the men and women. Our course manager at this last sit of mine was uber awesome. I loved loved loved her! She was a light for sure. Anyway, she was there to help us with anything physical we may have needed- like blankets, aspirin, sleeping issues, room arrangements etc. From 1pm to 220pm we have private meditation, meaning you can either opt to meditate with others in the dhamma hall or once again, meditate in your own individual cell or room. At 220pm the gong is rung for the one hour 230pm group meditation. From 4pm-5pm meditation again, wherever you choose. At 545pm the gong is rung for the one hour 6pm group meditation, and from 7-815pm the evening discourse is given, and the last sit of the day takes place from 820-9pm, after which you can retire and sleep if you desire. This was my schedule for the past 11 days.

So what happens here in this place? Ha! So much. Every sit for me has been different. I have acquired lots of layers and conditioning over the years, so when I uncover layer by layer, so much of me I had forgotten comes to the surface. And this can be both pleasant and unpleasant. Our job is to use the technique taught by Goenka in the ancient tradition of the Buddha to meditate by observing our breath (the first three days, which is known as annapana meditation) and by progressing to a sharper more intense meditation technique known as vipassana, where you are taught to use your breath to "scan" for sensations on various parts of the body. I am not going to share too much of the details of my personal experience of sensations here because I do not want my experience to prejudice or cause unnecessary craving/aversion for those of you that have never meditated in this manner. It is different for everyone. Just as it is said that no two snowflakes are exactly alike, our expressions that manifest to the surface are all just as unique.

Still, I will say this much: So much came up though this time! I experienced deep deep ennui to a time where I could not stop crying and feeling utterly hopeless to back to expressing my strong inner warrior lover spirit that takes no prisoners. Ha! I think the way of the warrior, the true warrior cloaked in love is the fiercest and most noblest path for me. Nothing else calls to me like this deep raaaaaaaaaaaaawr energy, nothing! This last sit was the most profound sit of my life.

So, moving forward, instead of sitting, I want to serve other vipassana students during their ten day courses just as others have served me. I loved the center I was at in Georgia. The vibe there was so filled with metta, with mischief, with love, and with so much warmth. I took the over night train down- I brought my chemistry books to work on while riding, and it was a truly pleasant experience. I felt so taken care of while riding, and so at peace, and for this I was so grateful. A few months prior I had been battling something deep, I can't explain it here without getting too personal which I will not do, other than to write that if you are familiar with the Heideggerean notion of dasein and anxiety, then you'll get it. In any case here is an excellent article you can read written about this particular dialectic of anxiety and authenticity:

http://www.oocities.org/athens/olympus/5599/philosophy/anxiety.html

I arrived the center early to help set up and help out any way I could. Everyone I met was so awesome and so warm; this you can find at any vipassana center around the world. Meditators generally are more chill and grounded than those that do not practice. It is true. I know it is true for me. Malini, pre-vipassana is not the same chic writing this blog now. Even so, I know that this version of Malini 4.0 will get another upgrade; just when you think you've figured me out, bam! surprise, Malini version 5.0 is unveiled! Hahaha. Life is so fun.

Ah! Yes, I haven't mentioned the Day 10. The tenth day is the day of Metta, or love, and this is the day we break our Noble Silence and enter into Noble Speech and we are taught a loving kindness meditation where we share the fruits of all of our serious efforts and wisdom from the previous nine days. It is such a special day. We wake up the same and our schedule remains the same, except that the silence fast is broken at 10am that day. On my first sit, I remember feeling so light, so filled with love and deep warmth that I did not want to leave the dhamma hall to go outside to face the world of speech and introductions. I sat and meditated in the hall for as long as I could, I think I ventured out at 1045am. I know that there were several ladies in there that couldn't wait to go out and break the silence, hahaha! But not me. I wanted to bask in the glow of my new found old connection I had forged with myself. I mean, I was lost to my self for so many painful years that I when I found her again I never ever again wanted to lose her! My self... Re cognize... re ligion... re member... Haven't you noticed that even in language it is not a new experience, as it is always prefaced by a re, because we have been there before... it’s just that we have just forgotten our way back... Meditation will guide you back home.

This fourth sit, on Metta day, I felt the same way but different. I didn't want to go outside and talk to anyone. Metta day is always an exciting day, it is a day where people who have sat in intensity dealing with anything and everything that comes up (our mental recess and cavities are chock filled with stuff, let me tell you! So much garbage fermenting inside, that when roused and when it comes to the surface, it stinks, and it pains), that the tenth day is one of suturing and healing in light and love.

As the sits in the hall are also done without being allowed to move or change one's position, so there is the physical pain as well- and this, this sensation, and the other sensations that rise up and pass continuously is what vipassana is observing. We are observing everything that comes up with as much equanimity as possible. We are taught to simply observe each passing and coming sensation, and the hard, gross ones, to dig right in, like a surgeon and dissect and observe, to take note of whatever sensation we feel. And let me tell you, sitting lotus style for one hour without moving… oh, the pain in the legs can be pretty excruciating! There was one sit where I sat and observed the pain coming, the burning, pulsating, stinging, numb sensations that were so painful, and I breathed, and observed and mentally looked lovingly on that area and plunged in and sat and "saw" the pain. It was tremendous, by the end of that I was floating in the air. I felt like a shaolin warrior. I am so thankful for the healthy strong body that I have been given on loan this lifetime. I want to train, shape, and take care of it to the best of my abilities. I don't think it was any accident that I met a black belt that Metta day. Looking at her during our break times doing super high double cross kicks in the air was so inspiring- it is exactly the energy that I have inside that she has manifested with diligence, care, and discipline, on the outside. It's a fierce awesome energy. So, yeah, I finally went outside, and so happy that I did. I met some rocking people that I want to have in my life. Really rocking experience. And that is all folks. Have to go study now.

An Accidental Philosopher

I went to this school. One of three. I originally signed up for a degree in Business. Yes, business. Go figure. I am not cut out for business. At least not cut out for what they teach you in college... who teaches you how to kick ass and become your own boss? You either have this intangible quality or you don't. What is taught in school, in my opinion, is how to safely and securely climb the business ladder. How to secure your footing in the corporate world and become a profitable slave. It's a good position, but an unhappy position as well. It's the rat race everyone seems eager to join, but once they get on board, they find that it lacks lustre and that their lives suck. This sounds harsh, but think about it. How many people do you know that wake up every morning, and love what they do? Most will say, "My job's okay. It pays the bills. I get by. It's not really what I had hoped to do in my life..." There are even others who will say, "My job sucks but the money is awesome. I take vacations whenever I get the chance..." I've been there my friends. I hated being there. Never again. I am not wired to become someone's lemming. No one is. But how we compromise, how we sell ourselves short! Most of the time it's because we don't know what it is that we want. So let's pause, stop, and think. Check back in. Find yourself in your childhood dreams again. Figure things out. Work it out. Make the change. Or continue as usual, but with a renewed sense of purpose and energy. Love your life.

I love my life. If I make money I make it, if I don't, I don't. I know though, with what I have chosen for myself, I'll never lack for the basic necessities, and everything else has been a bonus. I think its because I know I can get by even when I cannot, that it keeps me keeping on. This is the real bonus. An unflagging spirit. My life is a bonus. And I sleep like a baby every night. How radical is that?

So, at this school, while I was still talking myself into enrolling in Business, I had signed up for a class online that I thought was Business Ethics. I had gotten the call number wrong and in my carelessness signed up for a class called The Philosophy of Love and Sexuality instead. I couldn't drop it, because it was too late by the time I caught the error. I bit it and took the class. It was an eye opening class. It was here in this room that I discovered a latent talent and love for esoteric philosophy. It was also where I fell in love with Socrates and another philosophy professor.

The first time I stepped into the philosophy department I knew that I could no longer consider a degree in business. Plus accounting was the DEVIL. It will be the one and only class I have ever found it impossible to find anything redeemable. No pun intended. When I walked in, there was no one there, but there were pictures, posters and such on each professor's door. The one I walked straight to and actually knocked on was the door which had a huge portrait of a Sufi hanging outside. It sent shivers down my spine. It was an amazing feeling. Previously, at William and Mary the professors were all getting off on Kant, Descartes, Hobbes, Rand, Berkeley, and the rest of the boring analytical gang. It was a Western thing. Moreso, it was a safe, rational, BORING thing. My experience at William and Mary helped cement my distaste for philosophy and the entire discipline within the "rational" Western domain.

But the school here with the giant Sufi painting and Love and Sexuality would break down any preconceptions I previously had. This department was on fire. We had radical thinkers from Harvard, SUNY, Yale, teaching classes on mysticism, esoteric erotica in religious scriptures, radical Nietzschean ideals, Hegelian dialectics, post modernism, and most especially, they offered classes on the notions from the East , like Sunyata, Nothingness, Buddhism, Sufism, Taoism... And not only were they teaching these amazing subjects, they were living their lives that way. I cannot begin to tell you the paintings, and other forms of art they were gifted in, half of them had already traveled to India on spiritual journeys, and on top of that, the majority of the department were vegetarians. Unbelievable to be part of these amazing human constructs. It was always such a happy place. And not tree hugger dirty hippie happy. But happy in the brilliant thought, eureka!, lightening ideas, deep love of life, happy. I was in my niche place. Up until then, I don't think I have felt as comfortable in any other academic environment.

Needless to say, I was deep awe of the professor that I would later meet who owned the Sufi painting. After meeting him for the first time, I was so blown away at having found someone outside of my family of like mind, that I signed up and took every class he offered, Space and Time, Philosophy of Sport, Chinese Philosophy, Japanese Philosophy, Metaphysics, Philosophy of Pleasure ... and that is how I became the accidental philosopher. It was never my intention. I discovered so much of myself in my few years there. He still has the doll I brought back to him when I went to New Orleans for the first time years ago. It is there today in his office bookshelf. Next to a book by Rumi. He told me he couldn't think of a better place to set it next to, and I wholly agreed.

Anyway, there went my business degree. I did learn how to play golf from the experience though. Golf is actually a super fun game to play. So all is not lost.

Here is a song I like:

Recycling old writes...

Stranger

I've never been a big fan of Chennai (what was formally known to the world as Madras). It has to be one of the most conservative cities in South India. The humidity there in and of itself is the worst ever. It is comparable to the East Coast in the States- summers are a major yuckfest for sure. When I was younger I loathed to go there. Except for the beaches, it was my least favorite place to be. It's interesting because I dislike living in VA for the same reasons!

When I went back after not having visited in many years, I was shocked at my response. I was pleasantly surprised! The second I landed and exited the airport in Chennai, I fell in love with the place. Because of the humidity and proximity to the Arabian Sea, EVERYTHING grown in Chennai tastes amazing. The fruits and vegetables were like ambrosia. More than that, I felt like I had come home. I thought for sure I'd feel that way when I landed in my birthplace a few hundred miles north, but I didn't. I felt like a stranger in Bangalore. Initially. But that would change as well...

About five years ago, while I was at work, I turned to my co-worker and said suddenly, "Gosh, I feel so strange wearing this skin. I feel so estranged from the sounds that come out of my mouth. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like a fakir." Of course my co-worker had no clue as to what I was talking about and just smiled, nodded, and walked away. I probably didn't know what I was saying either. Much of the time I'll blurt out things that only make sense to me afterward. Sometimes, eve years afterward... I find I do this even when I pass by someone and I get instant impressions about the person. And they usually end up being accurate forecasts. I guess some people call this intuition, others, psychic abilities, and for the really super imaginative, "weird" or "crazy". As for myself, I just think it confuses the heck out of people sometimes, even me. Well, at least, it used to until I started owning these split second impressions and working with them. I don't ever second guess myself or impressions anymore- they are like my stick girls, my best friends, my look out boos. I love this about me. I have made it this far with the few bruises I have because of my incredibly prescient ally residing deep within.

When I was in Chennai, I felt like I recovered my skin, my tongue, and my self. I felt so at home. Language is so powerful. Tamil, my mother tongue, is spoken in Chennai. When I speak Tamil, I never feel masked. I never feel like a stranger to myself. My family, my people, were everywhere and I felt so safe and so alive. It was a blissful and cathartic revelation. I understood what I was lamenting over five years ago. It made sense. It made sense, because a few months after being back here, I am starting to feel the malaise of forgetting myself again. But I will not allow this to happen! I will exodus soon...

Which is why I am such a geek for languages. I feel at home in the world of non-english speakers. Whether it is in French, Hindi, Kannada, Arabic, Farsi, or Chinese. I'm not sure why this is, but I just don't relate to myself in English as well, or at least I don't want to just remain in the world of English. It is also all the more difficult to relate to others in English, especially when there are other factors like culture, upbringing, values, education, likes, dislikes, and other preferences that are not in alignment. The gaps become even more pronounced. I suffer from cabin fever when dealing with mono-linguals, I guess. Language is but the tip of an iceberg when it comes to another human being, but it can tell us so much, offer so many clues...